What is grief and why is it important to understand it?
Grief is the natural emotional, psychological, and physical response to the loss of someone significant in our life. When we lose a loved one — whether a partner, a parent, a child, a close friend, or any person with whom we have a deep bond — our inner world is turned upside down. Everything we took for granted ceases to be so, and we face a pain that can seem unbearable.
Although grief is a universal experience — sooner or later, all of us will have to face the death of someone we love — it remains one of the most difficult topics to manage and one of the least openly discussed in our society. We often receive messages such as "you have to be strong," "time heals all wounds," or "they'll get over it" which, while well-intentioned, can invalidate the legitimate pain of someone in grief and make the elaboration process more difficult.
As a licensed health psychologist specializing in grief support and trauma treatment with EMDR, I have accompanied many people on this difficult path. In this article, I want to offer you a complete guide to understanding the grief process, recognizing its stages, identifying when you need professional help, and discovering practical strategies to navigate this moment with more emotional resources.
The stages of grief: a guiding map, not a linear path
The most well-known model of the stages of grief was proposed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969 in her book On Death and Dying. This model describes five stages that many people experience in the face of loss, although it is fundamental to understand that not everyone experiences all of them, nor necessarily in the same order. Grief is not linear: it is a wave-like process in which you can move forward and backward through the different stages.
1. Denial: "This can't be happening"
Denial is often the first reaction to news of loss. It is not a conscious rejection of reality, but a natural defense mechanism that our brain activates to protect us from a pain too intense to process all at once. The person may feel a state of numbness or unreality, as if living a dream from which they expect to wake up.
In this phase, it's common to feel that "any moment now they'll call on the phone" or to think "tomorrow when I get home, they'll be there." This denial is not pathological at first; it is the brain giving us time to gradually adapt to a reality we are not yet able to integrate. Slowly, as we begin to accept fragments of reality, denial gives way to other emotions.
2. Anger: "Why me? It's not fair"
When denial can no longer contain the reality of the loss, anger appears. This rage can be directed in many directions: toward the doctors who "did not do enough," toward the deceased for "having left us," toward God or the universe for the injustice, toward oneself for "not having been more present," or simply toward the world in general. Anger is an uncomfortable emotion that often generates guilt — "how can I be angry at someone who has died?" — but it is a natural and necessary part of the grief process.
Behind anger lies pain, and allowing ourselves to feel it is important for emotional healing. However, if anger becomes uncontrolled or destructive, it may be a sign that we need professional support to channel it in a healthy way.
3. Bargaining: "What if I had done things differently..."
The bargaining phase is characterized by "what if..." and "if only..." thoughts. The person enters into an internal dialogue obsessively reviewing the decisions made, looking for an alternative scenario in which death could have been avoided: "What if I had taken him to another hospital?", "If I had said goodbye that day...", "If I had insisted he go to the doctor...". This phase reflects the deep human desire to regain control in a situation that makes us feel absolutely powerless.
Bargaining can also manifest in the form of pacts with God, with the universe, or with oneself: "If they come back, I promise...". Although rationally we know we cannot change the past, this process helps us to gradually process what has happened and move toward acceptance.
4. Depression: the deep pain of absence
When the person fully confronts the reality of the loss, a profound sadness arrives that can be overwhelming. This is not clinical depression in the psychiatric sense, but an appropriate response to a significant loss. The person may feel an immense emptiness, apathy, constant urge to cry, sleep difficulties or sleeping too much, loss of appetite, fatigue, social withdrawal, and a feeling that life has lost meaning.
This phase of grief is probably the most painful, but it is also essential for healing. Allowing oneself to be sad, to cry, and to feel the pain of absence — instead of repressing or avoiding it — is fundamental in order to integrate the loss and, over time, rebuild your own life. However, if this phase is excessively prolonged or symptoms are extremely intense, it is important to seek professional help.
5. Acceptance: integrating loss into our life
Acceptance does not mean "being okay" with the death of the loved one or forgetting them. It means recognizing the reality of the loss and learning to live with it. In this phase, the person begins to adapt to the new reality, to find ways to keep the memory of the one who has gone alive, and gradually, to reinvest emotional energy in life, in new relationships, and in future projects.
Acceptance involves understanding that the pain will never completely disappear — because grief is, ultimately, the expression of the love we feel for the one we have lost — but that we can learn to live alongside it without it preventing us from continuing to live. Reaching this phase is not a linear process, and it is normal, on significant dates or unexpected moments, for the pain to return strongly. This does not mean we have "regressed" in the process, but rather that the loved one continues to be important in our life.
Types of grief: not all processes are the same
Each loss is unique, and the way we live our grief depends on many factors. It is important to know the different types of grief in order to identify what we are experiencing and act accordingly.
Normal or uncomplicated grief
This is the natural process of adapting to loss. Although it can be enormously painful and incapacitating for a time, the person progresses gradually through the stages of grief and, with the passing of months, recovers the ability to function in daily life. Memories of the deceased shift from generating acute pain to evoking a mixture of sadness and tenderness. Over time, the person can remember the loved one with affection without the pain being unbearable.
Complicated or prolonged grief
It affects approximately 10-15% of bereaved people. It is characterized by stagnation in the process: pain does not diminish with time, the person fails to accept the loss, experiences a persistent sense of emptiness and lack of meaning, avoids any reminder of the deceased (or, conversely, becomes obsessed with it), and cannot resume the activities of daily life. Complicated grief requires specialized professional treatment.
The most effective therapies for complicated grief include grief-adapted cognitive-behavioral therapy, narrative exposure therapy, and especially EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), which has shown excellent results in processing the emotional pain linked to traumatic loss.
Anticipatory grief
This occurs when a person begins to elaborate the grief before death takes place, usually in the context of terminal illness. The family and the sick person begin to experience sadness, fear, anxiety, and a sense of helplessness in the face of imminent loss. Anticipatory grief can have a protective effect if managed properly, since it allows for saying goodbye, closing pending matters, and emotionally preparing oneself. However, it can also generate a feeling of guilt ("how can I be sad if they are still alive").
Disenfranchised grief
This happens when society or the person's environment does not validate their loss. This can happen in situations such as the death of an ex-partner, gestational loss, the death of a pet, suicide losses, or deaths related to social stigma. The grieving person may feel they "have no right" to be sad or that others do not understand their pain, which makes the elaboration process enormously difficult and can lead to complicated grief.
Practical strategies to cope with grief
Although there is no magic formula to eliminate the pain of grief, there are strategies that can help you go through this process in a healthier way and with more emotional resources.
Allow yourself to feel and express emotions
One of the most important things you can do during grief is to give yourself permission to feel. Crying, being sad, feeling rage, fear, or even guilt are normal reactions that do not need to be repressed. Expressing emotions — talking to someone you trust, writing in a journal, or through art or music — helps process the pain instead of accumulating it internally. Repressing emotions may seem to work in the short term, but in the long term it can lead to emotional and physical problems.
Take care of your physical health
Grief affects the entire body, not just the mind. During the grief process, it is especially important to take care of basic aspects of physical health: try to maintain adequate nutrition (even if you don't feel hungry, try to eat regularly and in a balanced way), respect sleep hours (establish routines, avoid screens before sleeping), do moderate exercise (walking every day can make a big difference), and avoid using alcohol or other substances as an escape route. Body and mind are intimately connected, and taking care of one helps take care of the other.
Accept help from others and ask for support
Grief can make us isolate ourselves, but social connection is one of the most important protective factors. You don't need to explain your pain to everyone, but allow trusted people to accompany you. Accept practical help when offered — a meal, accompaniment to errands, childcare — and don't be afraid to say "today I need to talk" or "today I need to be alone." If you don't have a close support network, grief groups can be a very valuable space to connect with people who understand what you are going through.
Create rituals of remembrance
Creating rituals to remember your loved one can be a very healing way to honor them and keep them present in your life. It can be lighting a candle on their birthday, writing them a letter, visiting a special place, creating a photo album, planting a tree in their memory, or any symbolic act that has meaning for you. These rituals help transform pain into a loving memory and find ways to keep the bond with the one who has gone alive.
Respect your pace and avoid comparisons
Each person experiences grief at their own pace, and there is no "manual" for how to do it correctly. Don't compare yourself with other people who have gone through a similar loss — your pain is unique, just as your relationship with the deceased was. Don't force yourself to "get over it" within a certain time frame, and don't let anyone tell you how you should feel or when you should "be okay." At the same time, be patient with yourself: there will be better days and worse days, and both are part of the process.
Grief in children and adolescents
Children and adolescents also experience grief, but they often express it in different ways than adults. Younger children may not understand the permanence of death and ask repeatedly when the person will return. They may show regression in behavior (bed-wetting again, wanting to sleep with their parents), separation anxiety, irritability, or changes in school performance.
Adolescents, for their part, may express grief through anger, withdrawal, risky behaviors, or apparent indifference that actually hides deep pain. It is essential to adapt the support to the child's age, talk about death honestly and with appropriate words, and not exclude them from farewell rituals. If you notice that your son or daughter is showing significant difficulties in managing the loss, child therapy can offer the space and tools they need.
When grief is linked to trauma: the role of EMDR
In certain circumstances, loss can take on a traumatic character that greatly hinders the grief process. This happens especially in cases of sudden or unexpected death, death due to accident or violence, suicide of a loved one, the loss of a child, or when the person witnessed the death. In these cases, the brain may become "stuck" in the moment of shock, intrusively and repeatedly reliving images, sounds, or sensations linked to the loss.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a therapy specialized in trauma treatment that has shown great efficacy in complicated grief. EMDR helps process the traumatic memories associated with loss so that the brain can integrate them adaptively, reducing the emotional charge of intrusive images and allowing the person to remember the loved one without being overwhelmed by pain. Several studies published in leading scientific journals support the efficacy of EMDR in the treatment of traumatic grief.
The importance of seeking professional help
Grief is not an illness, but it is a process that can greatly benefit from professional support. You don't have to be "completely down" to see a psychologist: seeking help in a moment of pain is an act of self-care. Psychological therapy offers a safe, confidential, and non-judgmental space where you can express everything you feel, explore your emotions in depth, and learn strategies to cope with loss.
In my clinical practice, I combine different therapeutic approaches to adapt treatment to each person's needs: cognitive-behavioral therapy to address dysfunctional thoughts, EMDR to process the traumatic component of grief, emotional regulation techniques and mindfulness to manage the intensity of pain, and narrative therapy to rebuild the life story incorporating the loss. I offer both in-person therapy in Igualada and online therapy for whoever needs it.
You are not alone on this path
If you are reading this article, it is likely you are going through a very difficult moment. I want you to know that your pain is legitimate, that what you feel is normal, and that there is no "correct" way to live grief. Each person travels this path as best they can, and each one deserves compassion — especially toward oneself.
Grief is one of the most intense emotional processes we will live as human beings, but with time, the right support, and, if necessary, professional help, it is possible to go through it and find meaning in life again. You will never completely "get over" the loss of someone you love, and you don't need to. What you can do is learn to carry the weight of pain in a way that allows you to keep living, honoring the memory of those who have left.
If you need professional support to navigate your grief process, do not hesitate to contact me. I am here to help you. I offer a free informational session where we can talk about your case and assess how I can accompany you.