If you are in a situation of gender-based violence, call 016 (free, confidential, 24h, leaves no trace on the phone bill). In case of imminent danger, call 112. You are not alone.
Gender-based violence is one of the most devastating realities a woman can experience. It affects all dimensions of the person — emotional, physical, social, economic — and leaves deep wounds that need specialized professional support to heal. If you are living through, or have lived through, an abusive situation, I want you to know one thing: it is not your fault, you deserved to be treated with respect, and recovery is possible.
Online therapy offers a way to access specialized psychological help that can be especially valuable for women in situations of gender-based violence: it does not require travel that could arouse suspicion, it can be done from any safe space and it provides access to specialized professionals regardless of geographical location.
What is gender-based violence?
Gender-based violence is any violence exercised against a woman because she is a woman, in the context of a partner or ex-partner relationship. It is not limited to physical blows; it is a system of control and domination that can take many forms, often simultaneously. Recognizing all of its manifestations is the first step in being able to ask for help.
Physical violence
Pushing, hitting, hair-pulling, biting, strangulation, blows with objects, attacks with weapons. It can range from a "harmless slap" to serious assaults. Any unwanted physical contact intended to harm or control is physical violence, no matter how "minor" it may seem.
Psychological violence
Insults, humiliation, contempt, shouting, threats, intimidation, isolation from family and friends, control of clothing and schedules, emotional blackmail, constant blaming and gaslighting (making the victim doubt her own perception of reality). It is often the most difficult form of violence to recognize because it leaves no visible marks, but its psychological consequences are devastating.
Sexual violence
Forcing or pressuring a partner into sexual relations or practices she does not want, whether through force, intimidation or emotional manipulation. Within a couple's relationship, consent is always required. "Being in a relationship" does not give you any rights: each person's body is their own, always.
Economic violence
Total control of economic resources, preventing the woman from working, forcing her to ask for money for her basic needs, controlling expenses, taking her salary, generating debts in her name or threatening her with financial ruin if she leaves. This form of violence creates a material dependency that makes it enormously difficult to leave.
Digital violence
Control of the mobile phone and social media, checking messages and emails, GPS tracking, identity theft, distribution of intimate images without consent, harassment through digital platforms and monitoring of online activity. Digital violence is an increasingly common form of control that extends abuse to virtual spaces.
The cycle of violence: why it repeats itself
One of the keys to understanding gender-based violence is to grasp its cyclical nature. Psychologist Lenore Walker described the cycle of violence, which helps us understand why the relationship is maintained despite the suffering:
Phase 1: Tension building
The abuser is irritable, ill-humored, critical. Arguments increase, silences become heavy, the atmosphere is one of hypervigilance. The woman tries to calm the situation, avoid conflictive topics, "not do anything wrong". She lives in a constant state of alert, measuring every word and every gesture trying to prevent the explosion. Despite all her efforts, the tension keeps building.
Phase 2: Explosion or assault
The tension explodes in the form of violence: physical assaults, brutal verbal attacks, destruction of objects, threats. It is the moment of greatest danger. The woman feels fear, confusion, helplessness. She may try to defend herself, flee or, if she has learned from experience, stay still hoping it will pass. This phase is usually shorter than the others, but the intensity may increase with each cycle.
Phase 3: "Honeymoon" or reconciliation
The abuser apologizes, promises to change, shows affection and remorse, may give gifts or romantic gestures. The woman sees in him the person she fell in love with and hope is reborn that "this time he really will change". This phase is emotionally very powerful because it reinforces the affective bond and makes the woman doubt the seriousness of what happened. Unfortunately, over time, the honeymoon phases get shorter and the assaults intensify.
Understanding the cycle is not meant to justify anything, but to understand why leaving is so difficult and why women are not "all" or "weak" for staying. The cycle generates an extremely powerful traumatic bond that requires professional help to break.
Why is it so hard to leave?
This is perhaps the question that outsiders most often ask: "Why doesn't she leave?". The answer is complex and has many layers. None of them imply that it is the woman's fault:
Trauma bonding: The cycle of abuse and affection creates a dynamic similar to that of kidnappings, where the victim developed feelings of affection for the captor. The intermittence between cruelty and tenderness generates a very powerful emotional bond that is difficult to break.
Fear: Leaving is the moment of greatest danger. Many women have well-founded fears that the abuser will fulfill his threats: hurt her, the children, family members, or himself. Statistics confirm that the risk of serious assault increases significantly at the moment of separation.
Economic dependence: Many abusers control the money, prevent the woman from working or have isolated her from her support network. Leaving without resources, especially with children, requires planning that is not always possible.
Manipulation and gaslighting: Years of being disqualified, ridiculed and made to doubt her own perception leave the woman without confidence in herself. "Maybe I am exaggerating", "no one else will want me", "the children need a father" are thoughts that abuse has installed in her mind.
Shame and guilt: Social pressure, fear of "what others will say", the shame of admitting the situation and the irrational guilt (fueled by the abuser) that the woman feels for the violence she suffers.
Hope of change: The honeymoon phases reinforce the belief that the abuser can change. The love the woman felt for him does not disappear instantly: it is eroded little by little with each cycle of violence.
Psychological consequences of gender-based violence
Gender-based violence leaves deep marks on mental health. Recognizing them is important because they are not "weaknesses" but normal responses to abnormal situations:
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Re-experiencing the abuse (flashbacks), nightmares, constant hypervigilance, startle reactions, difficulty sleeping, avoidance of anything that recalls the violence. PTSD is one of the most frequent consequences and can persist long after separation. EMDR treatment is especially effective for trauma processing.
Depression
Deep sadness, loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, constant fatigue, difficulty concentrating, feelings of worthlessness, isolation. Depression in victims of gender-based violence often includes a profound loss of meaning in life and an emotional disconnection that is the result of years of suffering.
Anxiety and hypervigilance
After living in an environment of constant danger, the nervous system stays "switched on": generalized anxiety, panic attacks, difficulty relaxing, fear of loud noises, distrust of others. Even in a safe environment, the body and mind take time to stop anticipating danger.
Learned helplessness
After repeated failed attempts to avoid the abuse, the person "learns" that nothing she does will change the situation. A feeling of helplessness, passivity and resignation sets in that is not weakness, but a documented psychological response to situations of uncontrollable stress. Therapy helps to recover the sense of agency and control over one's own life.
Erosion of self-esteem
Repeated insults, constant humiliation and contempt have a devastating cumulative effect on the woman's self-image. "I'm worthless", "I'm ugly", "no one will love me", "I'm crazy" are beliefs that the abuser has been installing and that have ended up becoming the woman's inner voice.
Why online therapy is especially useful in gender-based violence
Online therapy offers very specific advantages for women living through or having lived through gender-based violence:
Accessibility without commuting: No need to leave home or justify absences. For women who are being controlled, being able to do therapy from a phone during a "free" moment may be the only viable option. All you need is a device with a camera and an internet connection.
Privacy and discretion: The session can be done from any safe space: the car, a friend's house, work, a library. There is no risk of someone seeing her enter a psychology office or of the abuser finding out through third parties.
Access to specialists: Gender-based violence requires professionals with specific training. Online therapy makes it possible to access specialized psychologists regardless of geographical location, which is especially important in rural areas or small towns where privacy is harder to ensure.
Continuity of treatment: If the woman decides to leave and changes home, city or even autonomous community, online therapy makes it possible to maintain the therapeutic bond without interruption, which is crucial in moments of major life instability.
Safety considerations for online therapy
Before starting online therapy in a context of gender-based violence, it is essential to establish a safety protocol:
Safe device: Use a device that the abuser does not have access to. If there is none, history and applications can be deleted after each session. Consider the use of incognito or private browser mode.
Safe space: Identify a place where you can talk without being heard. Agree with the psychologist on a discreet signal in case the situation changes during the session (for example, if the abuser arrives unexpectedly).
Headphones: Essential to ensure the conversation is not overheard.
Emergency plan: Have a plan ready in case of crisis: where to go, who to call, important documentation, emergency phone numbers (016, 112). The psychologist can help you develop this plan.
How I work with gender-based violence in therapy
Therapeutic support in situations of gender-based violence follows a process that respects each woman's pace. There is no rush, no judgment, and the decision about what to do with the relationship is always the woman's:
Safety and stabilization
The first priority is always safety. We assess the risk situation, establish a safety plan and work on emotional stabilization techniques to manage anxiety, panic attacks and hyperarousal of the nervous system. In this phase, the goal is not to process the trauma but to offer a safe space and tools for everyday life.
Understanding and validation
Naming what has happened, understanding the cycle of violence, identifying the forms of manipulation and, above all, validating the woman's experience. Understanding that her reactions (fear, confusion, ambivalence, guilt) are normal responses to a situation of abuse, not signs of madness or weakness.
Trauma processing with EMDR
When the safety situation allows, EMDR makes it possible to process traumatic memories: the assaults, the humiliations, the moments of terror. EMDR helps these memories stop generating the same emotional intensity and allows the woman to recover the sense of control over her life. EMDR adapts perfectly to the online format.
Rebuilding self-esteem
Identifying and deactivating the negative beliefs that abuse has installed: "I'm worthless", "I'm to blame", "I'm not capable". Rediscovering one's own strengths, values and capacities. Reconnecting with desires, goals and a sense of identity that abuse had erased.
Recognizing manipulation and gaslighting
Learning to detect patterns of emotional manipulation — gaslighting, projection, the abuser's victim-playing, triangulation — to protect oneself in the future. This knowledge is liberating: it allows the woman to trust her perceptions again and to set healthy boundaries in her relationships.
Building one's own life project
Supporting the woman in building a future that responds to her wishes and needs. Recovering her social network, rebuilding economic independence, resuming abandoned studies or activities. Therapy does not end when the pain decreases, but when the woman feels she is living a life that is her own.
You are not alone
If you are living through a situation of gender-based violence, or if you have left it but the wounds are still present, I want you to know that seeking help is an act of bravery, not weakness. You deserved a life free of fear, and with the right support, recovery is possible.
In my practice, whether in person in Igualada or through online therapy, I offer a safe, confidential and non-judgmental space. A space where your experience will be validated, your pain heard and your recovery accompanied at the pace you need.
Emergency resources:
016 — Helpline for victims of gender-based violence (24h, free, confidential)
112 — Emergencies (imminent danger)
900 900 120 — Catalan Women's Institute
016-online@igualdad.gob.es — Email support
Contact me for a first informational consultation. The first step is the one you are taking now by reading this.