"I always end up saying yes even when I don't want to", "I don't know how to express what I feel without it sounding like an attack", "I stay quiet and then spend days going over what I should have said". Phrases like these are very common in my practice, and they all point to the same thing: a difficulty with assertiveness. Assertiveness is the ability to say what you think, feel and need clearly and respectfully, standing up for your rights without trampling on those of others. Neither swallowing everything nor forcing it on others: it's the healthy middle ground that lets us relate from mutual respect.
The good news is that assertiveness isn't a personality trait you're born with: it's a communication skill you can learn and train at any age. According to the Mayo Clinic, communicating assertively helps reduce stress, boosts self-esteem and earns you more respect from others. In this article I explain exactly what assertive communication is, how it differs from the passive and aggressive styles, why it's sometimes so hard to be assertive and which techniques you can start practising today.
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is a communication style based on mutual respect: respect toward yourself —expressing your own opinions, feelings and needs— and toward the other person —taking theirs into account. An assertive person is able to say "no", to ask for what they need, to set boundaries and to express disagreement without aggression and without guilt.
We all have some basic assertive rights we often forget: the right to say no, to make mistakes, to change our mind, to express what we feel, to ask for help or to put ourselves first without having to give a thousand explanations. Assertive communication is precisely the way to uphold these rights without violating those of others. It's not about "winning" any conversation, but about communicating with honesty and respect.
The three communication styles: passive, aggressive and assertive
To understand assertiveness well, it helps to compare it with the other two ways we tend to react when there's a conflict or a need to express:
Passive style (submissive)
The passive person prioritizes others over themselves: they keep their thoughts to themselves, avoid conflict, struggle to say no and end up giving in even when they don't want to. In the short term they avoid tension, but over time they build up frustration, resentment and the feeling of not being taken into account. It's often linked to low self-esteem and fear of rejection.
Aggressive style
The aggressive person defends their interests, but by trampling on others': they impose, criticize, raise their voice or use sarcasm and blame. They may get what they want in the short term, but they damage relationships and create fear or distance. Often, aggressiveness is accumulated passivity that explodes one day.
Assertive style (the balance)
The assertive style is the middle ground: you express what you need clearly and firmly, but respectfully. You say "no" without apologizing a thousand times and without attacking. That balance is what protects both the relationship and your self-esteem. There's also a fourth style, the passive-aggressive one, where distress isn't expressed openly but through hints, irony or silences that wear everyone down just the same.
Why is it so hard to be assertive?
If assertiveness is so beneficial, why is it sometimes so hard? The causes are usually learned, not a character flaw:
Fear of rejection and conflict: many people associate setting boundaries with losing affection or looking bad. This fear also appears in social anxiety, where speaking and expressing yourself in front of others causes a lot of distress.
Models learned in childhood: growing up in environments where expressing needs was punished, ignored or seen as selfish teaches you to stay quiet in order to fit in.
Low self-esteem: those who don't believe they're valuable enough tend to think their opinion "doesn't matter" and to always put others' needs first.
Relationship patterns: in some cases, the difficulty setting boundaries is rooted in emotional dependence or in toxic relationships that have reinforced silence and submission.
Benefits of assertive communication
Working on assertiveness has a direct impact on emotional well-being and on the quality of your relationships:
- Healthier, more authentic relationships: saying what you think with respect builds trust and stronger bonds than silence or attack.
- More self-esteem and self-confidence: every time you stand up for yourself, you reinforce the idea that your needs count.
- Less stress and anxiety: according to the American Psychological Association (APA), sustained stress affects mental and physical health; expressing your needs in time prevents it from building up.
- Fewer conflicts and misunderstandings: when you say clearly what you want and don't want, the other person doesn't have to guess.
- More of your own decisions: you stop living according to what others expect and reclaim your voice.
Techniques to be more assertive
Assertive communication is trained like any other skill. Here are some techniques you can start practising today:
- "I" messages: instead of "you always ignore me", say "I feel ignored when you don't reply". Focus on what you feel, not on the accusation. There are good guidelines on effective communication at HelpGuide.
- Learning to say "no": a clear, short "no", with no endless excuses. You don't need to justify yourself for five minutes: "I can't right now, thanks for thinking of me" is enough.
- The broken record: calmly repeating your position ("I understand what you're saying, but my answer is still no") without getting into arguments or being pulled off course.
- Look after your body language: eye contact, upright posture, a firm but calm tone of voice. The body communicates assertiveness too.
- Ask for time: if it's hard to answer in the moment, say "let me think about it and I'll get back to you". You don't have to decide on the spot.
- Validate before disagreeing: "I understand your point of view; even so, I see it differently." Acknowledging the other person defuses confrontation.
How to set boundaries without feeling guilty
Setting boundaries is one of the most important expressions of assertiveness —and one of those that generates the most guilt. It helps to remember that a boundary isn't an attack or a rejection of the other person: it's a way of caring for the relationship and for yourself. When you say "no" to something that hurts you or that you can't take on, you're really saying "yes" to yourself.
The guilt that appears when you set boundaries is usually the trace of what you learned as a child, not a sign that you're doing something wrong. Start with small, low-risk boundaries, notice that the world doesn't fall apart and build up gradually. With practice, the guilt loses its grip and respect —toward you and from others— grows.
Assertiveness can be learned: assertiveness training in therapy
Assertiveness training is one of the classic tools of psychological therapy, especially cognitive behavioral therapy. It's not about changing who you are, but about adding a new way of communicating. In session we usually work on:
- Identifying your assertive rights and the specific situations where you struggle to uphold them.
- Detecting and softening the thoughts that block you ("if I say no, they'll reject me", "I have no right to complain").
- Rehearsing real situations through role-play, so you arrive with your response already practised.
- Strengthening self-esteem and emotional intelligence, so that assertiveness is sustained from within.
Therapy can be in person or, if you prefer or have little time, also online, just as effective as in person.
When to seek professional help
If you notice that the difficulty standing up for yourself is causing you distress —you're worn out from always saying yes, you avoid important conversations, you build up anger or feel your voice disappears in relationships— it may be a good time to ask for help. Assertiveness isn't achieved by "trying harder", but by learning and practising with the right tools.
At my practice in Igualada I support people who want to communicate with more confidence, set boundaries without guilt and relate from mutual respect. We work on fear of conflict, self-esteem and the concrete skills of assertive communication, with a plan tailored to each person and, if needed, also as online therapy.
One important message: standing up for yourself doesn't make you selfish. On the contrary: communicating assertively is the foundation of healthy relationships and of your well-being. If you recognize yourself in this, get in touch for a first assessment with no commitment.