What is self-esteem and why is it essential for your well-being?
Self-esteem is the assessment we make of ourselves: the set of perceptions, thoughts, feelings and behavioral tendencies that we direct towards ourselves. It's not just about "feeling good" or having a positive attitude, but about a deep and honest relationship with who we are, with our strengths and our limitations.
When we talk about healthy self-esteem, we refer to the ability to recognize our intrinsic value as people, regardless of external successes or failures. This does not mean being arrogant or ignoring areas for improvement, but rather having a solid emotional foundation from which to face life with confidence and resilience.
According to research in clinical psychology, self-esteem directly influences practically all areas of our lives: interpersonal relationships, academic and professional performance, the ability to manage stress and emotions, decision making and even physical health. Studies published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology have shown that people with healthy self-esteem have lower levels of anxiety and depression, more satisfying relationships, and a greater ability to adapt to adversity.
As a health psychologist, I observe daily how weakened self-esteem is the common thread of many of the emotional difficulties that people bring to consultation: anxiety, depression, relationship problems, work difficulties or self-destructive behavioral patterns. Therefore, working on self-esteem is not a luxury, but a fundamental necessity for the overall well-being of the person.
How is self-esteem formed? Roots and key factors
Self-esteem does not appear overnight: it is built progressively from early childhood and continues to be shaped throughout life. Understanding how it is formed helps us understand why it is sometimes so difficult for us to improve it and, above all, what steps we can take to achieve it.
Self-esteem in childhood
Early life experiences have a huge impact on shaping our self-esteem. The bond with attachment figures (usually father and mother), the messages we receive about ourselves, the parenting style and school experiences build the first beliefs about who we are and what value we have.
A boy or girl who receives unconditional affection, who is listened to, emotionally validated and encouraged to explore the world from safety, tends to develop stronger self-esteem. On the contrary, experiences such as emotional neglect, constant criticism, overprotection, abuse or bullying can leave a deep mark on self-esteem that, if not worked on, persists into adulthood.
child therapy can be an invaluable resource to detect and intervene early when the self-esteem of a child or adolescent is compromised, preventing these wounds from becoming consolidated and chronic.
Factors that affect self-esteem in adulthood
In adulthood, self-esteem continues to be influenced by multiple factors:
- Traumatic experiences: abuse, significant loss, toxic relationships or situations of gender violence can devastate a person's self-esteem.
- Social and work environment: a critical, competitive or invalidating environment can gradually erode the perception of one's own value.
- Social comparison: Social networks and the culture of the perfect image encourage constant comparisons that negatively affect self-esteem.
- Thinking style: Cognitive distortions (negative automatic thoughts) maintain and reinforce a devalued view of oneself.
- Relationship with the body: body dissatisfaction and eating disorders (ED) are closely linked to self-esteem.
Signs of low self-esteem: how to recognize it
Sometimes we live with low self-esteem without being fully aware of it, because we have normalized ways of thinking and feeling that, in reality, are unhealthy. Recognizing the signs is the first step to being able to act. Below, I present the most common indicators:
- Severe and constant self-criticism: a harsh, relentless internal dialogue that magnifies mistakes and minimizes achievements.
- Difficulty accepting compliments: feeling discomfort or disbelief when someone evaluates you positively.
- Constant need for approval: seeking validation from others to feel good about oneself.
- Fear of rejection or failure: avoid new situations, challenges or relationships for fear of not measuring up.
- Constant comparison with others: feeling that everyone is better, more capable or more deserving.
- Difficulty establishing limits: saying yes to everything for fear of being disliked or rejected.
- Disproportionate feelings of guilt: feeling responsible for everything that goes wrong.
- Crippling perfectionism: setting impossibly high standards and feeling like nothing is good enough.
If you have felt identified with several of these signs, it is important to know that you are not alone and that there are effective strategies to improve self-esteem. Below, I share a practical guide with exercises and techniques that you can start applying today.
Practical guide: strategies to improve self-esteem
1. Identify and question your inner critic
All people have an internal voice that speaks to us constantly. In people with low self-esteem, this voice tends to be extremely critical and harsh: "You are not good enough," "You will do wrong," "You don't deserve anything good," "Everyone is better than you." This voice is called the inner critic and, although it may seem like it is telling the truth, it is actually a distorted thinking pattern that we have learned throughout life.
Practical exercise: For a week, keep a notebook where you write down every time a self-critical thought arises. Write down the situation that caused it, the exact thought and how it made you feel. Then ask yourself, "If a friend told me they thought this about themselves, what would I say?" Write an alternative, more compassionate and realistic response. Over time, this exercise will help you recognize the inner critic for what it is: a learned voice, not an absolute truth.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy is especially effective in identifying and modifying these thinking patterns. In sessions, we work in a structured way to replace destructive internal dialogue with a more balanced and compassionate one.
2. Practice self-compassion
Self-compassion, as defined by researcher Kristin Neff, involves treating ourselves with the same kindness, understanding, and care that we would offer a good friend who is suffering. This is not about being complacent or avoiding responsibility, but about recognizing that we are human, that error is part of the human experience, and that we deserve understanding, not punishment.
Self-compassion includes three fundamental components:
- Kindness with oneself: replace self-criticism with understanding and warmth towards ourselves.
- Shared humanity: recognizing that suffering and imperfection are part of the human experience, not something that makes us defective.
- Full attention (mindfulness): observing our thoughts and emotions without over-identifying with them or repressing them.
Practical exercise: When a moment of difficulty or self-criticism arises, place your hand on your heart, breathe deeply, and tell yourself internally: "I'm having a difficult time. This is part of being human. May I be kind to myself right now." It may seem simple, but regularly practicing this exercise can profoundly transform your relationship with yourself.
3. Set healthy boundaries
One of the most common consequences of low self-esteem is difficulty saying "no" and establishing limits in relationships. When we don't feel valuable, we tend to believe that we must please others to deserve their affection or approval. This leads us to situations of exhaustion, resentment and, paradoxically, an even greater deterioration in self-esteem.
Learning to set limits is not an act of selfishness, but of self-care and respect for oneself and others. A healthy boundary is a clear expression of what you need, what you accept, and what you are not willing to tolerate.
Tips to start setting limits:
- Identify situations where you feel uncomfortable, exploited or disrespected.
- Practice saying "no" in low-pressure situations to gain confidence.
- Use assertive communication: express your needs clearly, respectfully and firmly.
- Remember that you don't have to justify yourself excessively: "No, thank you" is a complete sentence.
- Accept that setting limits may cause initial discomfort, but it is an essential step for your well-being.
In cases where the difficulty in setting limits is related to a relationship of gender violence or a toxic family environment, it is essential to have the professional support of a psychologist.
4. Take care of your body and your relationship with it
Self-esteem and the relationship with the body are deeply interconnected. Body dissatisfaction is one of the most common sources of low self-esteem, especially in a society that constantly promotes unrealistic and uniform beauty standards. Taking care of your body does not mean trying to achieve an aesthetic ideal, but rather treating it with respect and attention.
How to improve your relationship with your body:
- Practice physical exercise that you enjoy: move your body for pleasure and health, not as punishment. Walking, dancing, swimming, doing yoga... any activity that makes you feel good.
- Eat nutritiously and flexibly: follow a balanced diet without rigidity or extreme restrictions. If you have a complicated relationship with food, consult a professional.
- Get adequate rest: Sleep is essential for emotional regulation and maintaining a balanced perspective on ourselves.
- Reduce comparison: limit time on social media that makes you feel bad about your body or your life.
If your relationship with your body involves behaviors such as severe eating restrictions, binge eating, purging, or an obsessive preoccupation with image, it is important to seek help specialized in eating disorders.
5. Celebrate your achievements, no matter how small they may be
People with low self-esteem have a marked tendency to minimize their achievements ("It's not that big of a deal", "Anyone would have done it", "I've been lucky") and to magnify mistakes. This cognitive distortion prevents the brain from registering positive experiences that could strengthen self-esteem.
Practical Exercise — The Gratitude and Achievement Journal: Every night before going to sleep, write down three positive things from the day: it could be a small accomplishment ("I finished that task I put off"), an act of self-care ("I took a walk"), a pleasant moment ("I laughed with a friend"), or a quality you put into practice ("I've been patient with my son"). They don't have to be big milestones: the key is to train the brain to detect and value the positive.
Research in positive psychology has shown that regular practice of this exercise can significantly improve subjective well-being and self-esteem in just three weeks of consistent practice.
6. Face your fears gradually
Avoidance is one of the great maintainers of low self-esteem. When we avoid situations out of fear of failing, being judged, or not measuring up, we send a message to our brain that says, "I can't do it, I can't do it." Each avoidance reinforces the belief that we are not good enough.
On the contrary, every time we face a fear—even in a small and gradual way—we are showing our brain that we are capable, that we can tolerate discomfort, and that the feared outcome often does not materialize or is not as terrible as we imagined.
How to apply gradual exposure:
- Identify a situation that you avoid out of fear or low self-esteem.
- Create a hierarchy of steps, from easiest to hardest.
- Start with the most accessible step and do not advance until you feel comfortable.
- Celebrate each step as an achievement, regardless of the outcome.
- If the fear is very intense or is linked to trauma, seek professional support.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is an especially effective therapeutic approach when low self-esteem and fears are linked to unresolved traumatic experiences. This therapy helps to reprocess traumatic memories so that they stop generating the negative emotional charge that sustains limiting beliefs about oneself.
7. Seek professional help when you need it
Although the strategies that we have seen can be very useful, there are situations in which self-esteem is so fragile that it is difficult to improve it without the support of a professional. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness: it is an act of courage and responsibility towards your own emotional health.
Psychological therapy offers a safe, confidential, and judgment-free space where you can explore the roots of your low self-esteem, understand the patterns that maintain it, and actively work to build a healthier relationship with yourself. In sessions, we use scientifically validated techniques to address limiting beliefs, process painful experiences, and develop new ways of relating to yourself.
If you feel that low self-esteem limits your life, I invite you to take the first step. I offer a free information session where we can explore together how I can help you. I am available for both in-person therapy in Igualada and therapy online.
Self-esteem in children and adolescents
Childhood and adolescence are crucial stages for the formation of self-esteem. During these periods, children and young people are especially vulnerable to the messages they receive from their environment: family, school, friends and, increasingly, social networks. A child who experiences bullying, excessive academic pressure, constant comparisons with siblings or peers, or who lives in a conflictive family environment may develop deeply damaged self-esteem.
As parents, we can help strengthen our children's self-esteem:
- Offering unconditional affection: loving them for who they are, not for what they do.
- Validating your emotions instead of minimizing them.
- Promoting autonomy appropriate to their age.
- Avoiding comparison with other children.
- Valuing the effort, not just the results.
If you notice that your son or daughter is showing signs of low self-esteem—such as persistent sadness, isolation, irritability, refusal to go to school, or significant behavioral changes—child therapy can be an enormously beneficial resource to help him or her build a healthier self-image.
Self-esteem and trauma: a deep connection
Traumatic experiences—such as emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, neglect, bullying, significant loss, or violent situations—can have a devastating impact on self-esteem. Trauma often creates deep beliefs about oneself such as "I'm worthless," "I'm defective," "I'm unlovable," or "It's all my fault." These beliefs, which are formed during or after the traumatic experience, can remain active for years or decades if not worked on properly.
EMDR trauma treatment has been shown to be especially effective in addressing self-esteem damaged by traumatic experiences. EMDR not only processes traumatic memories, but works directly on associated negative beliefs (for example, changing "I am inadequate" to "I am valid just the way I am"), producing deep and lasting changes in the person's self-esteem.
If you suspect that your self-esteem may be linked to painful past experiences, such as situations of gender violence, abuse or significant losses, it is especially important to have the support of a professional specialized in trauma.
Self-esteem and autism spectrum disorder (ASD)
People with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) often experience specific challenges related to self-esteem. The constant need to adapt to a neurotypical world, difficulties in social communication, experiences of rejection or misunderstanding, and sensory overload can generate a profound feeling of being "different" or "inadequate." In therapy, we work to help people with ASD build a positive identity that integrates neurodivergence as a difference, not a deficit.
Start improving your self-esteem today
Improving self-esteem is a journey, not a destination. It's not about achieving "perfect" self-esteem, but about building a kinder, more honest and compassionate relationship with yourself. The strategies we have seen in this article—identifying your inner critic, practicing self-compassion, setting limits, taking care of your body, celebrating achievements, facing fears, and seeking professional help—are powerful tools that, applied consistently, can profoundly transform your relationship with yourself.
Remember that every small step counts. You don't have to do it all at once or do it perfectly. The important thing is to get started, stay consistent, and be kind to yourself in the process. And if you feel like you need support on this path, I am here to help you.