You open your phone for a moment, not looking for anything in particular. One person posts yet another trip, a friend has a new job, a couple who look like they've stepped out of an advert, bodies, houses, plans. You close the app ten minutes later and, without quite knowing why, you feel a little worse than before, as if your own life had shrunk. You haven't done anything wrong; you've simply fallen into a very human, very quiet trap: comparing yourself to others.
Comparing yourself isn't a flaw of yours: the brain does it almost on its own. The problem shows up when that comparison becomes constant and you always come off worse, because then it stops giving you useful information and starts eroding how you value yourself. Let me explain why we compare, why social media make it so much worse and, above all, what you can do to stop comparing yourself to others and get a little peace back.
Why we compare ourselves to others
Comparing yourself is a deep human tendency and, at root, a useful one. Social comparison helps us place ourselves, know how we're doing relative to the group and learn from those we admire. The American Psychological Association describes it as the process of evaluating ourselves by putting ourselves in relation to others. So far, nothing wrong: in the right doses, looking at what others do orients us. The problem isn't comparing yourself now and then, but doing it non-stop and always against yourself.
Upward and downward comparison
Not all comparisons work the same way. When you compare yourself with someone you see as "above" you —more success, more body, more life— we talk about upward comparison: it can inspire you, but if it becomes chronic it usually leaves you with the sense of falling short. When you compare yourself with someone you see as "below" you, downward comparison, it might make you feel better for a moment, but it keeps you hooked on measuring everything. The wear comes from turning life into a permanent ranking where there's always someone ahead.
The problem with comparing yourself on social media
Social media have put social comparison on autopilot, around the clock. The trick is cruel: you compare your whole life —grey days, doubts and tiredness included— with the brightest, filtered, hand-picked moment of hundreds of people. On social media everyone shows the cover, never the book. And because you're exposed continuously, the brain ends up believing that shop window is what people's lives really are. Comparing yourself with an edited highlight reel is a battle lost from the start.
Comparison and self-esteem
If you measure what you're worth by comparing yourself with others, your self-esteem is left at the mercy of a race that never ends: there will always be someone with more. That's why comparing yourself to others chronically keeps undermining how you see yourself, however well things are going. Healthy self-esteem doesn't depend on winning comparisons, but on feeling you're worth something even when others have things you don't. Rebuilding that base is a central part of stopping the comparison.
Comparison, envy and shame
Constant comparison usually stirs up two uncomfortable emotions. One is envy: that pinch when someone has what you lack. The other, quieter one, is shame: the sense that if you come off worse in the comparison it's because there's something wrong with you. Both hurt, and both feed on the same idea: that your worth is decided by looking at others. Questioning that idea is the first thing that defuses them.
Comparison and perfectionism
Someone who lives comparing themselves usually holds a very high bar, and here perfectionism plays a big part. If the standard for being okay is to be the best at everything, anyone who's ahead in some respect becomes proof that "you're not doing well enough". It's an exhausting trap, because the bar keeps moving on its own: every time you reach where you wanted, you're already looking at who's gone further.
Comparison and rumination
A one-off comparison passes; the problem is when it stays turning over. That's when rumination appears: going over and over what others have that you don't, why you're behind, what you should have done differently. That loop solves nothing —it doesn't move you forward— but it does sink your mood and reinforce the idea that your life isn't good enough. Breaking the loop is key to carrying comparison better.
When comparison becomes toxic
Comparing yourself now and then is normal and can even be healthy. It becomes toxic when it's constant and automatic, when you always come off worse, when it robs you of the satisfaction of what you do have and when it shapes what you dare to do out of fear of not measuring up. If you notice you can't open social media without ending up feeling less, or that even other people's good news sours your mood, comparison has stopped being a tool and become a weight.
How to stop comparing yourself to others
It isn't about never comparing yourself —that's nearly impossible— but about taking away its power to decide how you feel and what you're worth. Some things help:
- Notice it and name it. "I'm comparing myself" already pulls you a little out of the loop; what you recognise, you can let go of.
- Compare yourself with yourself. Instead of looking at others, look at where you were a year ago: that's the only comparison that genuinely orients you.
- Curate what you consume. Mute or unfollow the accounts that systematically make you feel bad; there's no need to feed the trap.
- Practise gratitude. Stopping to see what you do have counters the gaze that only looks for what you lack.
- Treat yourself with self-compassion. Talk to yourself as you would to a friend who feels behind, not like your harshest judge.
Building a self-esteem that doesn't depend on winning comparisons is the foundation of all this; resources like the Better Health Channel remind us it can be strengthened at any age, with practice and support.
When to seek help
We all compare ourselves, and often it's enough to learn to take it with some distance. But when comparing yourself to others becomes constant, when it leaves you systematically worse, or when it fuels anxiety, sadness or very low self-esteem, it's worth seeking help. Letting comparison decide how you feel every day isn't a toll you have to pay for living in this world full of screens.
How therapy helps
In therapy we look at where this need to measure yourself against others comes from —it often has a history behind it—, which beliefs hold it up ("I'm only worth something if I'm the best") and how to dismantle them. We train putting the focus on your own values and goals rather than other people's, and building a self-esteem that doesn't depend on what everyone else is doing. I work on this through online therapy in English, Spanish or Catalan, at your own pace.
If you've recognised yourself here, get in touch for a first, no-obligation assessment. And hold on to one idea: your life isn't worse by comparison; you're just looking at it with a measuring stick that isn't yours.