The printer jams just when you're in a hurry. The wifi drops in the middle of a video call. You ask for something and you're told no. You notice a wave of heat rise in your chest and your head fills with an 'I can't stand this, not now'. That reaction —the urge to blow up, to give up or to throw the whole thing away over a setback— has a lot to do with your frustration tolerance.
We all get frustrated; it's inevitable. What changes from one person to another is how much we can take before we spill over. In this article I'll explain what frustration tolerance is, why some people have more of it than others, how to spot that yours is low and, above all, what you can do to train it, in yourself and in your children.
What frustration tolerance is
Frustration tolerance is the ability to bear the discomfort we feel when a wish, a plan or a need runs into an obstacle. The American Psychological Association defines it as the capacity to withstand that discomfort without collapsing. Frustration is the emotion that appears when something blocks our path; tolerance is the margin we have to hold it without reacting impulsively. Having it doesn't mean never getting frustrated —that would be impossible— but being able to think and choose what we do with that discomfort instead of letting it decide for us.
Frustration and tolerance are not the same
It's worth separating two things we often confuse. Frustration is a normal and even useful response: it warns us that something we want isn't happening. It isn't the problem. The problem appears when we can't hold it, when that 'I don't like this' turns instantly into 'I can't bear this'. A person with good tolerance also gets angry when they miss a train or when a project falls apart; the difference is that they don't stay stuck in the reaction, they breathe and look for the way out. Tolerance, then, doesn't remove frustration: it makes room for it.
Why some people have more of it than others
Several factors play a part, and none of them is a life sentence. There's a part of temperament: some babies are born more intense and reactive. There's a part of learning: if as children everything was handed to us, or straight away, we didn't get much chance to train waiting or 'not right now'. And there's today's context, full of immediate rewards —a screen, a purchase, an instant reply— that get us out of the habit of waiting. On top of all this is the state you're in: when you sleep little, feel stressed or carry tiredness around, tolerance plummets and you get frustrated by things you wouldn't even notice on another day.
Signs of low frustration tolerance
Low frustration tolerance (the APA uses this very term) shows in everyday life. Some common signs:
- You get irritated or blow up over small things: a queue, a device that won't work, a last-minute change of plan.
- You give up quickly on whatever is hard; if it doesn't work first time, you drop it.
- You cope badly with waiting and uncertainty; you want things to happen now.
- You often think in terms of 'I can't stand this', 'this is unbearable', 'it shouldn't be this hard'.
- You avoid challenges or situations where you might fail, so you don't have to go through the bad moment.
No single one of these signs says much on its own; what counts is the pattern that repeats.
How it affects daily life
When tolerance is short, the price is paid on many fronts. In relationships, because frustration is often poured onto those close to us as bad mood or reproaches. At work and in studies, because every obstacle looks like a reason to quit and it's hard to finish what you started. And in self-esteem, because giving up again and again leaves the feeling of not being capable. Over time a circle forms: I get frustrated, I drop it, I feel bad, and next time I'll tolerate even less.
Frustration tolerance in children
Children are the great laboratory of frustration tolerance, because they build it precisely during childhood. A baby wants everything instantly; over the years, and with help, they learn that sometimes you have to wait, share or lose. Research on delay of gratification shows that this capacity to wait for something better can be trained and has a lot to do with future wellbeing. The parents' role isn't to spare them all frustration —that would leave them without practice— but to be alongside them while they learn it.
How to help your child tolerate frustration better
A few ideas that work: don't rush to solve every difficulty for them, let them face small challenges they can take on, and put words to what they feel ('I understand it's annoying that it's finished'). Your example counts more than any lecture: if they see you handle your own frustration without blowing up, they learn it. Working on their emotional intelligence from an early age gives them tools that will serve them for life.
Frustration and anger: a close connection
Frustration and anger often go hand in hand. When we hit an obstacle and can't hold the discomfort, the emotion looks for a way out and many times it heads outwards, as anger. The UK's National Health Service (NHS) notes that anger in itself isn't bad —it's a normal emotion— but that, when it gets out of control, it can harm health and relationships. Training frustration tolerance is, at heart, a way of cushioning that anger so it doesn't rule us.
How to improve your frustration tolerance
The good news is that frustration tolerance can be trained, like a muscle that grows stronger with use. It isn't about stoically gritting your teeth, but about learning to relate differently to the discomfort. These steps help:
- Pause before reacting. Between the spark and the response there's a moment; use it to take a couple of deep breaths before you say or do anything.
- Name what you feel. Telling yourself 'this is frustrating me' already lowers the intensity and gives you back some control. Emotional regulation helps here.
- Question the 'I can't stand this'. Almost always you can stand it; it's one thing for it to be unpleasant and another for it to be unbearable.
- Remind yourself it passes. No wave of frustration lasts forever; if you don't add fuel, it drops on its own.
- Expose yourself little by little. Avoiding all frustration makes it grow; tolerating small ones (a queue, a wait) trains the rest.
Techniques for the moment of tension
In the middle of a frustration spike, the body moves faster than the head, which is why it helps to have a few tools ready. Slow breathing —breathing in to a count of four, letting the air out slowly— tells the nervous system there's no real danger. Changing rooms or moving for a few minutes helps discharge the physical tension. And a simple question, 'and now what can I do with this?', pulls you out of the loop of complaint and back into action. These coping strategies don't make the problem disappear, but they let you face it from a different place.
Common mistakes when you try to manage it
With the best intentions, we sometimes do things that don't help. A classic mistake is wanting to remove all frustration from life: the more you avoid it, the smaller your tolerance becomes. Another is punishing yourself for feeling it —'I shouldn't get like this'— which adds guilt to the discomfort. It's also made worse by always running at the edge of energy and time, because with no margin any setback overflows. And confusing tolerating with swallowing everything in silence: tolerating isn't repressing, it's holding the discomfort while you decide what to do with it.
When to seek professional help
Sometimes low frustration tolerance stops being a nuisance and starts to genuinely hurt: arguments that wound, projects and relationships that get abandoned, a constant sense of being burnt out. If you recognise yourself, or if you see it in a child and don't know how to support them, it's worth asking for help. Low tolerance often appears tied to other things —anxiety, low mood, ADHD— and looking at it with someone lets you understand where it comes from and train new responses.
How therapy helps
In therapy we work on frustration tolerance in two ways: understanding where your way of reacting comes from (what you learned, what sets it off today) and training, step by step, different ways of holding the discomfort. We're not aiming for nothing ever to bother you, but for the setback to stop deciding for you. I do this through emotional management therapy and, if it suits you better, through online therapy, in English, Spanish or Catalan.
If you notice that frustration gets the better of you too often, get in touch for a first, no-obligation assessment. And hold on to one idea: frustration tolerance isn't a gift you're born with, but a capacity you can train at any age.