Your child comes home quieter than they used to be. On a Sunday evening they complain of a tummy ache and don't want to go to school, they come back with a torn jacket 'not knowing how', they've stopped talking about their friends and they snap at things that never used to bother them. Maybe it's nothing, or maybe your gut is already telling you something's wrong. One of the most common reasons behind that change, and one of the most frightening for parents, is school bullying.
Knowing exactly what it is, how to spot it early and how to act without making it worse makes an enormous difference for your child. In this article I'll explain what school bullying is, what types there are, the warning signs and, above all, the steps to support them if it's happening.
What school bullying is
School bullying is a form of mistreatment between peers in the school setting. The American Psychological Association defines it as aggressive behaviour in which someone harms or discomforts another person repeatedly. It has three traits that set it apart from a normal fight: it's intentional (done to cause harm), it's repeated (it happens again and again) and there's an imbalance of power between the person bullying and the one being bullied. A one-off conflict between two children arguing as equals isn't bullying; what turns it into bullying is that repetition and imbalance.
Types of school bullying
School bullying takes different forms that often mix. Physical bullying is the most visible: pushing, hitting, breaking their things. Verbal bullying includes insults, name-calling, threats and constant mockery. Social or relational bullying is the quietest and, at times, the most painful: excluding, ignoring, starting rumours to leave the person alone. And there's cyberbullying, done through the phone and social media. Because they often go together, a child may face insults in class and, at night, messages in the group chat: the bullying surrounds them.
The roles: who's involved
Bullying is rarely a matter of two. There's usually the person who bullies, the one who's bullied and, above all, a group of bystanders who watch, laugh or stay quiet. That group is key: when classmates laugh along or pretend not to see it, the bullying is fed; when someone stands up or tells an adult, it often stops. That's why we don't look for one isolated 'culprit', but a group dynamic that can be changed. Understanding this helps not to put all the responsibility on the child who's being bullied.
Signs to spot school bullying
Children often don't tell, out of shame or fear it'll get worse. That's why it's worth watching for the signs of school bullying: not wanting to go to school or making excuses, recurring tummy aches or headaches (especially on Sunday evenings), broken or lost belongings, mood changes —more irritable, sad or withdrawn— trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, no longer talking about friends or a drop in grades. No single sign confirms anything on its own, but a clear, lasting change is a reason to talk to them calmly and without interrogating them.
Consequences for the child being bullied
Bullying leaves a mark. It often knocks down self-esteem —the child ends up believing what they're told— and stirs up shame and fear of others, which can turn into social anxiety. Over time, sadness and even depression can appear. The World Health Organization notes that adolescence is a key stage for mental health and that peer violence is an important risk factor. The good news is that, addressed in time, the harm can be repaired.
Cyberbullying: when it doesn't stop at the front door
Cyberbullying deserves a mention of its own. The American Psychological Association defines it as bullying through digital means, and it has features that make it especially hard: it never stops (it follows the child home, into bed, at the weekend), it can be anonymous and it spreads very fast in front of many people. A rumour or a photo can reach the whole school in minutes. That's why, with cyberbullying, it's worth teaching the child not to reply, to take screenshots as evidence and to block and report, without feeling alone in any of it.
How to help if your child is being bullied at school
If you suspect your child is facing school bullying, the order in which you do things matters. These steps help:
- Listen and believe them. Let them tell you at their own pace, without playing it down or asking what they did. The first thing is that they feel safe.
- Tell them clearly it isn't their fault. No one deserves to be bullied, and telling isn't 'snitching'.
- Gather information. Note down what's happening, who's involved, where and since when; screenshots, if there are any, count.
- Report it to the school in writing. Ask for a meeting and for them to activate their anti-bullying protocol; putting it in writing makes it serious.
- Follow up. Reporting once isn't enough: agree on reviews and check the measures are working.
What NOT to do
With the best intentions, we sometimes do things that make it worse. It's worth avoiding them:
- Playing it down. Saying 'it's just kids' stuff' or 'you'll get over it' leaves the child alone with the problem.
- Telling them to fight back. It usually puts them in more danger and can end up turning them into the 'culprit'.
- Confronting the other child or their family yourself. It tends to inflame the conflict; the route is the school.
- Taking their phone away as punishment for cyberbullying. They experience it as a second penalty and hide what's happening even more.
The school's role
The school is central: it has a duty to guarantee a safe environment and, in Spain, must have an anti-bullying protocol. Your job as a family is to activate it and support, not to replace it. A good approach works with the whole group —not just the victim and the person bullying— because, as we said, the dynamic is collective. If the school doesn't react, you can take the case to the head teacher, to the education inspectorate and, if needed, higher up.
Can it be prevented?
To a large extent, yes. Children with healthy self-esteem, who feel listened to at home and who know they can tell what's happening to them without fear, are less vulnerable and ask for help sooner. Talking openly about respect, differences and what to do if they see a classmate being bullied —not being a passive bystander— also protects the whole group. Prevention isn't guaranteeing it never happens, but that, if it does, it's spotted early and the child knows they're not alone.
When to seek professional help
Seek help when your child is very affected, when they're afraid to go to school, when sadness, anxiety or sleep or appetite problems appear and don't ease, or when you feel overwhelmed. Resources like the guide on teen mental health can point you in the right direction, but if the distress persists, psychological support is what helps repair the harm and rebuild confidence.
How therapy helps
In therapy we help the child or teenager put words to what they've been through, take the guilt and shame off their shoulders, rebuild their self-esteem and feel safe with others again; and we support the family too, who often struggle a great deal. I do this through child therapy and, when it suits, through online therapy, in English, Spanish or Catalan.
If your child is going through this, get in touch for a first, no-obligation assessment. And hold on to one idea: bullying is not the fault of the person suffering it, and with the right support your child can feel well again.