It's seven in the evening and you're queueing at the supermarket checkout. Your three-year-old spots the chocolate bars by the till, you say no and, two seconds later, they're on the floor, kicking and screaming as if you'd taken away the whole world. People stare. Your face burns and you don't know whether to pick them up, leave in a hurry or buy the chocolate just to make it stop. If that sounds familiar, you're not the only one. Tantrums, or temper tantrums, are one of the most common worries for families with young children.
In this article I explain what tantrums are, at what age they're normal, why they happen and what you can do before, during and after one. You'll also find the signs that suggest it's worth talking to a professional.
What are tantrums?
A tantrum is an outburst of emotion that a child can't stop. They cry, scream, kick, throw themselves on the floor and sometimes hit or throw things. It usually happens when they want something they can't have, when they can't manage to do something, or when they're too tired to cope with anything else.
It isn't a calculated attempt to manipulate you. At this age, the ability to hold back is still developing, and children lack the words to explain what they feel. According to the factsheet for families from MedlinePlus, the health information service of the US National Library of Medicine, tantrums are natural in early childhood, they aren't the parents' fault, and they don't mean the child is bad.
At what age are tantrums normal?
According to MedlinePlus, tantrums usually begin between 12 months and 3 years of age, and at this stage they can happen at least once a day. Between 3 and 5 they continue, though less often, and after 5 they're rare. The NHS, the UK's health service, says in its page on temper tantrums that they usually start at around 18 months and that, by the age of 4, they're far less common.
Studies with families agree. In a survey of the parents of 132 children in Finland, 87% said that at least one of their children had had tantrums. In 64.7% of cases they had started at the age of 2 or 3, and more than half of the children (57.1%) no longer had them after five. There were no differences between boys and girls (Österman and Björkqvist, 2010).
Another study, with 1,490 preschool children, found that 83.7% had tantrums sometimes, but only 8.6% had them every day (Wakschlag and colleagues, 2012). So if your child has them, that's entirely normal. What's worth watching is what they look like, how often they happen and how they end.
How long does a tantrum last, and what's going on inside?
When your child is screaming on the floor, every minute feels like an hour. The data say otherwise. A team at the University of Wisconsin analysed parents' accounts of the tantrums of 335 children aged between 18 months and 5 years. The most common length was half a minute to a minute, and three out of four lasted five minutes or less (Potegal and colleagues, 2003). In the Finnish study, by contrast, tantrums lasted between 5 and 10 minutes in 46.5% of cases. The figures vary depending on how they're measured.
The same Wisconsin team found that two emotions mix inside a tantrum. Anger rises fast, peaks right at the start and then fades. Distress, which shows in crying and in wanting comfort, builds slowly and becomes more prominent towards the end.
Knowing this helps a lot. At the beginning, with anger at its peak, explanations and lectures get nowhere. Later, when the screaming turns into crying, your child will often look for comfort, and that's the moment to open your arms.
Why do children have tantrums?
There's no single cause, but some situations come up again and again:
- They want something and can't have it, whether it's the chocolate bar, the phone or five more minutes at the park.
- They want to do it themselves and can't, like doing up a shoe or fitting a jigsaw piece.
- They don't yet have enough words to explain what's wrong, so the frustration comes out through their body. The NHS notes that once a child can talk more, they're less likely to have tantrums.
- They're tired, hungry or coming down with something. MedlinePlus points out that this can make tantrums worse or more frequent.
- They have to switch activity suddenly, for example stop playing, get out of the bath or leave a party.
- There are changes at home, such as a new baby brother or sister, starting school or moving house.
At this stage, children are also discovering that they're separate people from their parents and that they can say 'no'. That wish for independence is healthy, but it clashes every day with the limits adults set, and that's where many battles start.
Tantrum or meltdown?
Sometimes what looks like a tantrum is something else. Some neurodivergent children, autistic children for example, can be so overwhelmed by noise, light, a scratchy label or an unexpected change that they lose control. These meltdowns aren't aimed at getting anything, they don't stop even if the child gets what they wanted, and what helps most is reducing stimulation and having a calm adult nearby. If this rings a bell, you may find the article on neurodivergence useful.
How to handle tantrums
There's no trick that makes them disappear, but there are ways to make them less frequent, shorter and easier for everyone to get through.
Before: how to prevent some tantrums
- Look after sleep, meals and routines. A tired, hungry child has a very short fuse.
- Give warning before changes. 'When this song finishes, we're leaving the park' works better than a sudden 'we're going!'.
- Offer small choices whenever you can, like the blue cup or the red one, or putting a coat on now or at the door.
- Before going to the supermarket or a long family lunch, explain what's going to happen and what you expect from them.
- Notice the moments that tend to go wrong. If bath time always ends in an explosion, maybe the problem is the time, not the bath.
- If you see them starting to get upset, try to distract them. The NHS suggests things as simple as pointing out a cat through the window, sounding as surprised as you can.
During: when the tantrum has already started
The aim is to get through it without anyone getting hurt and without changing the limit that set it off.
- Breathe and lower your voice. MedlinePlus reminds parents that it's important to stay calm and that shouting at or hitting your child only makes things worse.
- Make sure they can't hurt themselves. Move objects out of the way, or hold them if they're hurting themselves or hitting someone.
- Say little, and say it quietly. 'You're really angry. I'm here.' In the middle of the anger, reasoning doesn't get through.
- Don't give in if the 'no' mattered. If the chocolate arrives after the tantrum, your child learns that screaming works. The NHS puts it plainly: giving in won't help in the long term.
- Stay close. Some children want a cuddle straight away and others need a bit of space first. You can tell them, 'When you want a hug, I'm right here.'
- When the screaming turns into crying, offer comfort. That's when they need it most.
After: reconnecting
Once they've calmed down, give them a hug and put what happened into a few words. 'You were really angry because you wanted to stay at the park. I get it. We still had to go.' There's no need for a lecture or to keep going back to it all afternoon.
If they hit someone or broke something, you can put it right together, by saying sorry to their sister or picking up the pieces. And when they manage to wait or ask for something without screaming, tell them: 'You asked really nicely.' Children repeat what they see works.
The psychologist Elisenda Pascual, known for the 3Cat series Això no és Suècia, explains in her book Criar i jugar (Ara Llibres, 2024) that it aims to help parents set limits with love and respect, and hold their child's anger without getting caught up in their own. It's hard, especially on days when your patience is running low, but it's worth keeping in mind.
What doesn't really help
- Shouting louder than them or smacking them. As well as making things worse, you're teaching them exactly what you want them to stop doing.
- Threatening things you won't follow through on, like 'right, no Christmas this year'.
- Laughing at them, filming them or posting it online. The tantrum will pass, but the video may stay.
- Giving a long speech in the middle of the crying. There'll be time to talk later.
- Comparing them with their brother or with the neighbour's child.
- Giving in every time just to get it over with. That tantrum ends sooner, but in the long run there'll be more.
Ignoring the tantrum can work when a child is using it to get something, but ignoring the screaming doesn't mean leaving them alone. You can stay out of the performance and, at the same time, be close by and available.
Tantrums in public: the supermarket, the park, the restaurant
Public tantrums are the ones parents dread most, because on top of the child's distress there's everyone else watching. A few practical ideas:
- If you can, move to a quieter corner or step outside for a moment.
- Remember that right now your child is what matters, not what the people in the queue think. The NHS recommends ignoring the looks and concentrating on staying calm.
- Don't change the rules because there's an audience. If 'no' means 'no' at home, it means the same at the supermarket.
- Plan outings for when they've slept and eaten, and bring something to keep them busy while you wait.
And if you see another family in the middle of a tantrum, a sympathetic smile helps far more than a disapproving look.
When tantrums are a warning sign
Most tantrums are simply part of growing up, but sometimes they're a child's way of showing that something isn't right. A study of 279 children aged 3 to 6 compared the tantrums of children without any disorder with those of children with depression or behaviour problems (Belden and colleagues, 2008). In the full text of the study, the authors suggest five signs:
- They are aggressive towards their parents or carers, or violently break things, in more than half of their tantrums.
- They deliberately hurt themselves during tantrums. This should always be taken seriously.
- They have them very often, on 10 to 20 different days in a month at home, or more than five a day on several days at school or away from home.
- Tantrums last a long time, more than 25 minutes on average.
- They usually can't calm down on their own and often need an adult to help them.
The authors themselves point out that these are preliminary guidelines that haven't yet been validated as a diagnostic tool. Even so, if your child regularly fits any of these points, it's worth talking to a professional. The same goes for tantrums that come out of nowhere, drag on or are destructive, which is what the Wakschlag study set apart from the tantrums you'd expect.
The American Academy of Pediatrics, quoted by MedlinePlus, also recommends contacting your child's doctor if tantrums get worse or happen often after the age of 5, if your child holds their breath during tantrums, especially if they faint, or if they also have nightmares, anxiety, headaches or stomach aches, go back to wetting themselves after being toilet trained, refuse to eat or go to bed, or cling to you. Sometimes tantrums stem from childhood anxiety, ADHD or a change in the family that the child can't put into words.
And how are you doing?
Tantrums test anyone's patience. If you shout one day, it's not the end of the world. Say sorry to your child and explain what happened to you. That way they learn that adults get angry too, and that things can be put right.
If for weeks you've felt that you can't go on, that every day is a fight and that you no longer enjoy being a parent, look after yourself too. This is known as parental burnout, and it can be treated. Sharing the hard moments with your partner or someone you trust, and keeping some time for yourself, is also a way of looking after your children.
How child therapy helps with tantrums
When tantrums are very intense or frequent, a child psychologist can help both the child and the family, and much of the work is done with the parents. A meta-analysis that brought together 77 evaluations of parent training programmes for children aged 0 to 7 looked at what made them more effective at improving parenting and children's behaviour problems. The components with the biggest effect were these (Kaminski and colleagues, 2008):
- Increasing positive time between parents and children.
- Learning to talk about emotions with the child.
- Teaching parents to use time out, and the importance of being consistent.
- Practising the new skills with the child during the sessions, not just talking about them.
In my practice, with children from the age of 3 or 4 I use techniques adapted to their age, such as play therapy, which helps them express what they feel. With younger children, the work focuses mainly on guiding the parents. In both cases we hold sessions with the family to agree on strategies for home and to reinforce progress.
If your family reads Catalan or Spanish, there are picture books about anger such as Mireille d'Allancé's Quina rebequeria! (Spanish edition: ¡Vaya rabieta!, Corimbo). For parents, there's Míriam Tirado's Enrabiats (Rosa dels Vents; Spanish edition: Rabietas, Urano).
Child therapy for tantrums in Igualada and online
If your child's tantrums are overwhelming your family, or you recognised some of the warning signs, you don't have to deal with it alone. I offer child therapy in Igualada and online, with sessions in Catalan or Spanish, and I work with both the child and the family.
Get in touch for a no-obligation first conversation, and we'll look at what's going on and how I can help.